Tuesday, November 15th 2005

I'm mad. I'm annoyed. I'm ashamed of you society. I'm pissed that you didn't equip me with the ability to say 'No.' I was ready to think that it was my own fault, that I was the one who let those guys keep going, keep touching, keep grabbing against my will. But it was you. It was American culture, ideals, and norms that were pushed down my throat like the cock of that neighbor boy who pressured me until I tearfully complied. I can't say they raped me. I said I didn't want to a dozen times, but when I stopped responding to their pleas they took that as permission. I can't say that they raped me because I 'd have to admit that I never said the word 'no.' I can't say that they raped me because I'd have to relay how I wept and begged them to stop, for us to just watch the movie, to hang out. I'd have to admit that I stayed to gain their acceptance, something I wanted even after they had begun to hassle me for blow jobs. I can't say they raped me. But I can say that you did. You took away my control. You made me think that saying no might hurt feelings, that defiantly standing against any man made me a bitch, a cock tease. Society, you stole my power to resist when those boys took over my trembling and weak body. You made me think that male attention was the highest affirmation of a woman's goodness.. I sat and struggled over which was better, these boys' approval at the cost of undesired sexual contact, or being left unscathed at the cost of being rejected by good looking older boys. I didn't fight because I didn't know what I wanted. I didn't know what I wanted because of you.